My gosh there is so much to be overwhelmed by. Therefore we must COPE to not collapse, or act out all over the place, and if we don’t, we will move into defensive mode. It’s a balancing act. and always will be.
Coping is a somewhat conscious decision. I say somewhat because I think we often cope without naming “I am coping.” I actually think we can help ourselves by the naming process. “I am struggling/overwhelmed, what can I do to feel better?” Because even in the naming, we feel better; now that we’ve identified an issue, we can start the coping process, which can look like this:
Body based: move your body, do some breath work (deeper,longer breath) rest, use weights, self massage, progressive relaxation, restorative yoga. Mind based: challenge your all or nothing thinking and find the gray, challenge the negative self talk by realizing you don’t speak to a friend that way so be kinder to you, challenge the catastrophizing by realizing worrying that the worst will happen has zero effect on the outcome, and yet we suffer as if it will. Holistic: it’s more difficult to cope when we are tired, hungry, when we say yes, when we meant to say no (when we say no, when we mean yes), So take care of yourself.
But, sometimes, we are so overwhelmed, our autonomic nervous system (ANS) says, “shhhhh, I’ve got you.” Enter stage left, a Defense Mechanism.
DMs attempt to protect us from input that is too overwhelming for us to tolerate. They’re under the level of consciousness- a reaction to the world (not a thoughtful, skilled response to the world). So we can say thank you to the DM as a strategy to feel better. Until, of course, the DM backfires, and we feel worse.
Did you know DMs sometimes originate in childhood, because they were necessary for our survival? For example, the child who had to check out (dissociate) because of the chaos growing up, has dissociative tendencies as an adult when stressed, until she recognizes she is dissociating, and she learns how to ground herself in the realization, “I am safe now, I don’t need to check out.” (This is fantastic work to do in therapy, and sometimes meds can be helpful).
Challenging long standing DMs is hard work but, it is doable. They often outlive their function from childhood because of habits of living; they are not who we are, but how we are. Because of neuroplasticity, the potential for change in our wiring, with hard work, we can become less defensive, and more intentional in our coping.
When defense mechanisms take the lead in our lives, we get ourselves in to trouble. The goal is to lead from our highest self (according to your values- perhaps kind, honest etc) as often as possible, no? I mean that is sort of a mission statement for my life. Have you ever thought what your mission statement is for your life?
We can only know our highest Self, through enough quiet contemplation, enough sobriety, honesty, and becoming an Observer or witness to ourself by asking a hard question: does this behavior represent my highest self?
It doesn’t need to be yes or no, I try and see things on a spectrum, as changeable (hope!) and to remember we are human so we DO NOT always get it right, but if we want to grow (life is a journey, we can grow, but boy it can be difficult) we need to answer that hard question (does this behavior represent my highest self?) honestly, and if the answer is “No”, (because we are too angry, too elusive, too avoidant, sarcastic, aggressive), consider this (painful) experience as an invitation to grow. (after all, if you are not uncomfortable, why would you change?)
Lets’ explore how DMs might show up in our lives, so we might have more self compassion, and suffer less. (another life mission statement).
How we manage our thoughts, feelings, behaviors (including social media reactivity) matters. And remember, defense mechanisms have their place. Until they don’t.
Rationalizaton: Do you Doom Scroll- refreshing (way too) often to get breaking political news? and justify (rationalize)this behavior: I have to be hyper-vigilant; I have to know what is going to happen! Here’s where it might have rooted in childhood: did you need to be hyper-vigilant as a child because not knowing what was going to happen could have been dangerous for you?
Anitdote: Become an Observer of how you are in this moment- if you are tight in your body, edgy in your thinking, feeling spacy or depressive or anxious, you need to log off, to be in real life, to be in nature, to look at your loved ones in their eyes, to clear your mind. To transition from being all in, to getting off, you might do one action-actions diminish angst (donate, share a smart, vetted post). Set alarms for how long you want to stay on social media, how much news you want to consume, and then lock yourself out of the app, or turn off the television. You don’t need to know. It’ll be waiting for you. You need to rest. Just for now. Rest. Connect. Play.
Compensation: Do you over work, or over drink or over eat more often than you think is healthy for you? In a paradoxical way, this keeps you in control, because politics is too big, too overwhelming, but this bag of chips, this is mine. We compensate when one area in our life is too much or too little, and this area, this I got.
Antidote: Ask your self what emotion you might be covering up when you are over doing it-and the next time you reach for or do that extra something, to pause. breathe. soften. and sit with your emotion, trusting, you can tolerate this, just for now. Move your body. slow your breathing and maybe, bring your hands to your heart and belly. What do you need, really? Not the food/drink/work. But self compassion. trusting you can be with yourself; just be. It’s hard to transition here, when we are used to a go- go- go life, and to trust, we can do this. But do it the first and second and third time; and the fourth gets easier.
Compartmentalization: This can be quite healthy. Too much on climate anxiety. Too much on threat of dictatorship. Too much hate. Let’s put it out of our lives. Let’s focus on happy. This can be healthy. But it could feel unrealistic. It could feel like you are in denial of what is. And you might feel guilty shutting out reality, after all, that is a privilege many don’t have.
Antidote: Middle path. Not knowing all, or knowing nothing. But find that place (this is an art, a trial and error), where you can know, but figure out when/where it’s too much and stop reading or watching or scrolling. You opened the compartment door to the news, now close it. (remember, the scrolling is an algorithm making it addictive, but you can be stronger than the algorithm, you are smarter than the algorithm!) Another idea, choose one or two writers on Substack and let that be enough. Because it is.
Altruism: This can be quite healthy. Giving to others satisfies our need to give/ to serve, and also serves the recipient. But when we give to others, at the expense of ourselves, no-one gains. We can’t give from empty.
Antidote: Commit to self care first, which includes the basics- sleep, adequate nourishment, movement (okay, exercise), and connecting with others. As you fill your cup, giving can be a pleasure. I serve others (as a psychotherapist) from a place of fullness (a spectrum, some days more than others). When I am off, I say no to social, so I can recover, and once again, serve from fullness.
Perfectionism: This is a tricky DM, because we are taught to do our best, which is good! but to ward off feelings of inadequacy, or feelings of being wrong, or not feeling good enough, we set a standard, albeit, unconsciously, of perfection, which we all know, doesn’t exist. (Did you now that?)
Antidote: First, sit with YOUR belief; if you can come to accept that imperfection is acceptable, mistakes are part of humanity, and what matters is showing up, best you can, at any moment as enough, that belief can turn into ease, when perfectionism has you paralyzed with not doing, or over doing, or shame at doing imperfectly. Contemplate this as possible for you, because a faulty belief will keep you stuck. Create a mantra-mind antidote of “I am enough, I always have been, “ and then break down for you, what it means to do your part in what ever. you are working on. Life as a science and an art means we need to figure out what it means for each of us to do our part. For me, in body, I like to feel my strength though resistance training or weights and posture, as tall a back as I am able, and I use strength in my body as a resource. I shake out (literally) or jump up and down, to release any trace of tightness that comes with perfection and bring my hands to heart and belly and return to the mantra: here and now, Enough. And then I do the task. And challenge the retired message of perfectionism with my body and my mind.
My husband read this. He said it reads like a research paper. Maybe it does. I am not here to be a perfect writer, just share information, and ideas with you. this helps me process life, and just maybe, one person, says, “Oh, that was helpful.” This is Enough.
Ask yourself, where are you on the coping/defense mechanism spectrum.
Invitation: be mindful of your words, your choices, your feelings, at any given moment, after all an examined life makes a life worth living, and recognize your agency (capacity)in your choices. If you feel low in agency, it is an invitation for more self study, or therapy. Change is possible.
Photos below to reflect both, an action and a delight. please remember you are both. and your mind can choose what it pays attention to, with your guidance and when.
hey, dear reader, let me know what you want to talk about! or AMA (ask me anything)
This is a fantastic post, that contains about 50 great ideas. I want to supplement it with a simple thought that I made in a comment yesterday. Our evolutionary history has set us up to notice the bad more than the good.
Combining the insights of psychology and evolutionary anthropology, it is clear that human beings have a deep prejudice for noticing what is going wrong over what is going right. The fact that everything is okay is not in a threat to our existence. But failing to notice any negative, such as tiger or a snake or even overly spoiled food, could quickly lead to your demise. Thus, we are exquisitely attuned to what is going wrong.
Even though there are so many fewer mortal threats in our modern lives (most of us will die very old and quite fat), we still remain attuned to the negative. That is why anxiety and depression are the most common mental illnesses. One of the most effective treatments for both is cognitive therapy which helps people decrease their focus on the negative and increase their focus on the positive thereby achieving a more realistic outlook.